Nine Types of Forgiveness

Acts of forgiveness vary not only in the magnitude of the wrongdoing involved, but in several other key ways. For example, are you the one seeking forgiveness, or is someone seeking forgiveness from you? Do you acknowledge you have done wrong? Does the person who has wronged you take responsibility for inflicting the hurt? Is he or she sorry?

Forgiveness will more or less difficult to perform depending upon these various conditions. Let me describe nine basic categories in which forgiveness may be sought or granted.

Type (1). You have been wronged. The other person apologizes and seeks forgiveness from you.

This situation leads to forgiveness most easily. Of course, if the hurt is deep enough, you may not be able to forgive, even with an apology and attempts at restitution.


Type (2). You have been wronged. The other person does not acknowledge the wrongful act and does not seek forgiveness.

It is much more difficult to forgive if the other person does not even acknowledge the wrongdoing, let alone offer an apology. Still, it is in both of your best interests to work your way through the process and reach forgiveness.

Type (3). You have been wronged. You don’t know who did it. You don’t know whom to blame or whom you might forgive.

Let’s say your apartment is broken into while you are out and all your valuables are stolen. This happened to me once. Not knowing who did it made the feeling of vulnerability all the more intense. The most important step here is to do all you can to regain your feeling of safety and control.

Type (4). You have been wrong. You acknowledge what you have done and you seek forgiveness from the other person.

This is the reverse of Type 1. Depending upon the psychology of the other person, you may or may not find forgiveness. However, by apologizing and making restitution, you have done all that you can do. Even if the other person does not forgive you, you should work on forgiving yourself.

Type (5). You have done wrong. You justify what you have done and do not seek forgiveness.

Now we are into realm of tragedy. King Lear banished the only daughter who truly love him, did not acknowledge that what he did was wrong and did not seek forgiveness until it was too late. The major reason it is good to study such examples is to help us avoid making the same mistake.

Type (6). You have done wrong. You acknowledge to yourself that what you have done is wrong, but you do not dare tell anymore or seek forgiveness.

This situation brings us into the realm of toxic guilt. The more you keep secret what you did, the more difficult it will be for you to gain absolution or to forgive yourself. It is best to find some safe person, like a doctor or clergy person, and talk it through.

Type (7). Wrong has been done. All parties involved justify what they have done, and no one seeks forgiveness.

Now we are in the realm of world politics. Or local politics. Or family feuds. If we’re lucky, a wise diplomat will intervene.

Type (8). Wrong has been done. Some people on both sides acknowledge responsibility and seek forgiveness, while others do not.

This is, of course, a better situation tan Type 7, although if it is a small minority working toward forgiveness, they will likely fail. However, they will triumph by gaining personal integrity and health.

Type (9). Wrong has been done. It was an act of fate. No one is to blame, but still some people feel guilty and seek forgiveness while others feel angry and seek revenge.

For example, let’s say you lose a friend to a serious illness. It is the human condition that’s to blame, but that doesn’t help. And while the human condition is what you need to forgive, that doesn’t help much either. The best solution in this situation is to grieve. Express sadness, rather than letting anger take over.

Source: Dare to Forgive by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.